Monday, February 21, 2011

The Employee Handbook: Addendumbs

We here at workingstiffed want The Employee Handbook to be a living document, like the U.S. Constitution or "A Shore Thing" by Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi. Therefore, the Handbook will periodically be updated. It's right there in our mission statement, we think.

You can find the original at In the meantime, we proudly present the first of many -- or perhaps several -- updates. So punch the clock and get ready to embrace the horror!

MUSK OX: A male employee who arrives every day cloaked in a near-visible aura of cologne and/or body spray. Extreme cases may lead to landmark HR complaints in the realm of olfactory harassment.

STRYCHNINE/SACCHARIN: A worker whose demeanor alternates between poison and artificial sweetener in the never-ending quest to get his/her way. Can be found in the ranks of both labor and management. As with almost any substance, prolonged exposure to either component poses serious health risks.

FARMACOLOGY: An addiction to playing FarmVille during work hours. Symptoms include inflamed joints from repeated mouse-clicking and tearful outbursts whenever the addict fails to successfully hatch a Cayuga Duck.

STAFF INFECTION: The civilian equivalent of Blue Flu, in which employees simultaneously fall victim to a mysterious malady.

CROCKOSHIT TEARS: A tactic in which an office bully, having realized that he/she has gotten maximum usage out of intimidation and browbeating, switches strategies and turns on the waterworks.


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