Thursday, June 23, 2011

Value Judgment

  As schoolchildren, we learned about the symbols that indicate one thing is greater than or less than another. A few examples:

* 3 > 2
* Donkey Kong < Galaga
* Ice Cream Sandwich > Whatever Crap the Cafeteria Is Serving

  Later in life, however, we went to work ... and learned more about values than we ever wanted to.

Greater Than Or Less Than?

Your Blood Relative in Intensive Care < Your Boss's 57th Birthday Party

Shameless Self-Promotion > Quiet Dignity

Years of Competent Service < Last Week's Minor Brain Fart

Dress Code Violation > Radon Gas Leak in Employee Break Room

Company Pension Plan < Company Softball Team

Supervisor's Rotary Club Buddy Needs a Favor > Integrity, Ethics, Etc.

Work < Paperwork

Industry Standard > More Sense Than a Hole in the Ground

Long-Term Strategy < Series of Spasmodic Knee Jerks

Set Yourself Apart < Keep Your Damn Head Down

Monday, March 21, 2011

Office Haiku: Verse-Case Scenario

Is that a new tie
Or has Lady Gaga's pimp
Branched into menswear?

Tell the office administrator to order more quill pens (and lay off the hair gel)! It's time for more workplace-inspired poetic synergy utilizing the 5-7-5 syllabic paradigm:


I know it's my job
Would you kindly remind me
What's your job again?


When praised by the boss
Remember your next screw-up
Will erase all clout.


New guy getting hazed
Nothing says camaraderie
Like racist e-mails.


Quality product
Generic equivalent
Six or half-dozen.


Soft and supple lips
Meet supervisor's backside
An office romance.


Toilet terrorist
Waging jihad on my nose
Please do that at home.


The boss's new wife
More plastic on her body
Than his new Corvette


I really must know
How they did it in your day
Old office gasbag.


CEO pep talk
We're all in this together
Straps on parachute.


For more Office Haiku, go to:

Feel free to share your Office Haiku in the Comment space below. All submissions become property of, even the sucky ones.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Handbook Addendumbs, Section 2

The workingstiffed Employee Handbook has proven to be such an invaluable resource that -- doggone it -- we feel compelled to keep doing more with less! Here's a selection of more terms you'll need to know in order to survive Workplace Purgatory:

NOSTRADUMBASS: An executive who specializes in making bold (and invariably errant) predictions about industry trends. Inaccuracies are often blamed on the housing market, gas prices and other factors that, curiously, the foreseer did not foresee.

ORGAN GRINDER: A seemingly useless employee kept hanging around in case his/her supervisor needs a liver transplant someday.

VOMITORIUM: Code name for employee restroom following a presentation by a consultant.

PUNITIVE DAMAGE: A scenario in which a computer technician, angered by a service request that interrupted the latest "World of Warcraft" session, purposely leaves the equipment in worse shape than he/she found it.

DOUBTSOURCING: A management strategy that involves letting Somebody Else worry about the consequences.

Reference check 
See earlier Employee Handbook entries at:

Thursday, March 10, 2011

True Tales from the Office: Pwnctuation Mark

Once upon a time, a successful mid-level manager left his job for a better opportunity -- higher salary, fewer headaches, reduced chance of stress-induced coronary, etc. He broke no contractual agreement in taking this new position, and even worked a one-month notice. Nevertheless, some colleagues chose to villify him.

One year later, he offered a job to a former associate who was still working for his previous employer. A number of his onetime co-workers took great umbrage. Amid the ensuing smear campaign, one of the ex-colleagues sent him an e-mail consisting of a single character:


The alleged turncoat quickly replied in kind:


And so it was that an outraged a-hole became the first person in recorded history to be punked by a punctuation mark.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

From Bad to Verse

"You have brought shame on my art form ... Human Resources will hear of this!"

Office Haiku, the workplace-inspired poetry using the 5-7-5 syllabic paradigm, turned out to be an overnight sensation. (Who say this country am not literate?)

Looks like it's time to raid the supply cabinet for more quill pens!

Salaries are cut
Management softens the blow
Bojangles' biscuits


You worked very hard
To get where you are today
Cleanup on Aisle Three


HR consultant
Unavoidably detained
Big crowd at Hooters


Smoke break, coffee break
Less time spent behind my desk
Effective habits


It smells like pizza
That was baked in an armpit
Clean out the damn fridge


Coke spilled on server
Massive computer crashes
Blame it on virus


It looks like the boss
Searched for Jordache on eBay
Casual Friday


Sent to seminar
Eager to reap benefits
Reimbursement check


Big fan of Dilbert
Also a supervisor
Irony wasted


The meeting goes long
But I will have my revenge
Silent but deadly


Feel free to share your Office Haiku in the Comment section. As always, remember that all submissions become property of, even the sucky ones.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Haikus and Lows

Some workplace-inspired poetry in the 5-7-5 syllabic paradigm:

Someone's pretending
That he's not playing FreeCell
Calls doomed to voicemail


I'll never zone out
In another long meeting
Thanks, tack in my shoe


That's a cute photo
Of your new bundle of joy
For the seventh time


Corporate is coming
Restrict access to YouTube
And fetch my ChapStick


Shirt-tie rotation
Has become repetitive
There's a sale at Kohl's


I'm back in high school
Doing cheerleaders' homework
But now they get paid


Pot of old coffee
Smells somewhat like brake fluid
Still we drink bravely


A night in the box
For back-sassing a free man
Just like "Cool Hand Luke"


Season of giving
So I gave you some breath mints
Love, Secret Santa


I think I'll visit
The unemployment office
And count neck tattoos


VERSE COME, VERSE SERVED: Share your office haiku in the comment space below!

(All submissions become property of, even the sucky ones.)

For more Office Haiku, go to

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Spamming the Globe

From this day forward, Cyprus and Belarus will be known as havens for disgruntled workers rather than the answers that busted your SAT score.

We here at workingstiffed are proud to announce the results of a scientific analysis* that identified these two countries as the worldwide leaders in employee satisfaction. How, you may ask? An in-depth exploration of our audience reveals that Cyprus and Belarus boast the fewest number of online users viewing the satire, sarcasm and snarkasm offered on this here blog.

* Analysis conducted using non-scientific methods.

While Cyprean and Belarusian officials took to the streets in celebration with neckties rakishly loosened, other nations could naught but grimace.

"Imperialist thug ... you're fired"
The United States has, by far, the greatest number of workingstiffed blogomaniacs, proving that America is ready to lead the global economy in categories other than reality TV. Coming in a distant second, perhaps surprisingly, was South Korea. (It is our fervent hope that this analysis does not signal a desire on the part of the South Korean people to embrace the communist ideology of their estranged neighbors. They'd merely be trading capitalist angst for Marxist angst, and the Donald Trump comb-over for the Kim Jong Il leaf-blower.)

Other nations with Pronounced Dissatisfaction Vectors* included the United Arab Emirates, Singapore and Australia. The United Kingdom and Canada fared somewhat better -- something to feel smashingly good aboot.

* We should copyright this phrase before Six Sigma does.

These results have further emboldened the team at to continue serving as an oasis in a global desert. Regardless of their nationality (we say this because "irregardless" is not a damn word), the peeved and peevish workers of the world will always find their preferred brand of blogtent* right here.

* There's another copyright.